In my mind I collapse into your arms again underneath the down comforter. The city that never sleeps waits patiently outside the hotel window. I press my cheek to your bare chest and allow the feeling of your body next to mine to slowly heal me. One breath at a time…

Reality.

I force my eyes open and stare intently at my ceiling fan. I silently seek words of wisdom from yet another inanimate object to no avail. I yank my Blackberry off of the charger and grunt as I do a half somersault to sit up on the edge of my bed. I’m greeted by my floor length mirror which shows a woman with eyeliner smudged halfway down her face and blonde hair that is defying gravity. She is wearing flannel pajama bottoms, a white tank top and just like every other morning, one sock. “Where does that other sock go?” I wonder out loud, giving myself a Mona Lisa smile.

But it’s too soon for humor. The minute I forget him is the precise moment when the memories of Manhattan come rushing back and hit me like a ton of bricks. I bend over from the pain not knowing my heart was capable of aching so intensely. I face myself in the mirror again…my tear-filled eyes are a burning color of jade; as they always are when I’m hurt. But I breathe deeply and slowly stand to face myself, to face what happened, to face my life…to face your absence.

I playfully kick my Shar Pei on my way to the bathroom and he stretches his paws out, thumping the floor with his curly tail. After carelessly throwing my clothes on the cold tile floor I step into a hot shower. The sun creeps in through the window covering and I bow my head, leaning up against the wall underneath the hot water. I don’t know what to do with myself today. I don’t want to unpack. I don’t want to do laundry. I don’t want to watch TV, go to the gym, work…my God it hurts. How could he just leave me there.

I pull my hair into a ponytail and put on my Yankees cap, jeans, flip flops and a funky T-shirt I bought in SoHo. “I’m going to miss walking down the street for coffee” I think to myself as I disarm my BMW 325xi. I make the 7 minute drive up the street and pull into my favorite Starbucks. After ordering I sit down in one of the brown armchairs and check my e-mail on my Blackberry for the 10th time this morning.

A woman rejected, Is a woman obsessed.

I wanted to be back in New York .just to feel his presense. To again be enveloped in the shadows of the buildings that guarded us from the rest of the world while we fell in love.

I drown myself in another latte and let the painful thoughts once again present themselves in my mind.and I remember.

The moment I got into the first cab I knew that I was at home. “I must have been a New Yorker in another life” I thought to myself while I explain where the hotel is for the third time to my Russian cabbie. He looks at me curiously in the rear view mirror and I bet he’s thinking the same thing as I.

As he drives through the forest of skyscrapers I can’t help but stare in awe through the rain speckled window. My chest tightens as it always does when I’m really, truly, amazed by something. It happens when I step into an old cathedral, when I catch the eye of a man I’m in love with, when I walk into a beautiful garden…it doesn’t happen often but when it does, I know that I am truly where I am supposed to be.

I didn’t want to come back to Denver. I cried in the hotel room, then in the cab, then in the airport bathroom, then on the airplane to MO (armed with sunglasses). And now I’m waiting for the flight back to good ol’ Colorado.

I have never fallen in love with a city as I did this week. There are just some places in the world that you want to call your own.

This city is enchanting. I don’t know why everyone was all up in arms about me going – it’s a gorgeous place, safe, clean (I’ve been to Mexico – this is nothing…really). It’s such an honest city, there is nothing to hide.

Started off the day with a Starbucks coffee. The baristas were black and were hilarious. They were checking out my purse (the one that attaches to my wrist) and were cracking up about how if I got mugged they would have to take my whole arm. Apparently, it’s “fly”. Then I grabbed a cab and mosied on over to the Guggenheim museum. They were in the middle of installing a new exhibit so only half of the museum was open and it was a little noisy so they were selling discounted admission tickets. SO worth the $10.00. I saw 7 Picasso paintings and a Renior. My favorite was Picasso’s “Woman Ironing”, I probably stared at it for a good 10 minutes. I had lunch at this funny yee-haw restaurant called “Rodeo”. They had a giant stuffed Bison on the wall. Mmmmm Bison. I had a cheeseburger the size of my head – probably not the wisest choice for lunch..but hey I’m on vacation. Then I went down to Birdland last night and saw John Scofield play in a quartet. When he plays it’s like his guitar is an extension of his body. And the PIANO….don’t get me started. I may just take out a loan for $100,000.00 and have one delivered to my doorstep. The music was phenomenal and the food was amazing as well. I had a glass of Pinot Noir and this spinich salad that had FRIED squares of goat cheese and fried green apples. A-mAzing.

Afterwards I walked down the street to Times Square – which was so fantastic. There were lights everywhere, it felt like it was daytime. Greenday was playing in one of the venues on Broadway and there was like a hundred people all squished together with their cellphone cameras trying to catch a glimpse of the musicians…funny. I’m going to try and get my paws on a pair of tickets to Wicked for tonight or tomorrow. But first – off to MOMA.

So much for blogging….. I don’t have internet in the hotel and have opted for not carrying my laptop everywhere with me.

Coffee, chili and a shot of don julio for breakfast. A strange but satisfying combo in a town where anything goes.

That’s just the thing… You have to find a place where you can be yourself… No questions asked…I believe this is the only way you will ever find happiness. This is the reason that I’ve been through so many relationships – I’m just the type of person that can’t completely be myself around others. There’s always something that holds me back…and I like it that way.
I don’t know why it is…maybe I’m so egotistical that I want to maintain some type of control over the situation—or in otherwards not revealing all of who I am in order to keep someone else from knowing me completely and therefore having the oppotunity to manipulate my emotions. I think this is a smart way to live…at least for me. This unfortunately makes serious relationships very difficult if not impossible.

Another thing I have discovered this past week is that I really, I mean really crave attention all the time. When in relationships I often couldn’t figure out why I would flare up especially in situations when we were with a group of people or with family. I wanted all of his attention, no matter who we were with. Someone once asked me my sign and when I told him virgo he let a dramatic sigh and rolled his eyes. “Oh my God” he said. “Two of my exes were virgos. You guys loooove attention”. I forgot about this conversation for awhile, but after careful thought and observing myself, I’ve found that it really is the case.

It sounds terribly selfish, but I’m actually proud of my discovery and am proud of who I am. At least now I can warn people.

I had someone read my palm yesterday. He said that I will marry three times, will have twins and another boy, that I keep emotions bottled up and that ill have a long life.

Jesus. I think ill have another shot.

So what do you do when your heart is begging you for something that your head won’t allow? God this city is so beautiful, so beautiful. I wish I could stay here forever and wander the streets. The buildings, the people….I’m in love.

Speaking of love…its amazing how obsessed I can be with a person and then the next minute I’m falling in love with something or someone else. Its just in my personality, to follow my heart where ever it tells me to go.

That’s the thing about my life…the entire reason I’m here. I need to figure out if it is worth giving up what I worked so hard to obtain to follow my dreams.

I love this city already.

I’ve never wanted a goddamned eggo more in my life. WHY is he not eating in the break room? Why I ask you?

Excuse me while I leap over my cube wall and ravage this employee’s cube in a desperate search for waffles.

Sometimes you just can’t get motivated, you know? Working 10 hours days will be the end of me. I’m now trying to plan out my night, here’s what I’ve got so far:

6pm: go to sleep

10pm: wake up and study for two exams and play the piano

12am: go to sleep again

What do you think?

 Ha. Being politically correct cracks me up.